


The Wounds This World Left On My Soul

by ninathena



Series: It’s Only Illusion (A Miracle) [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, Non-Canonical Backstory, Past Abortion, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 02:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14706983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninathena/pseuds/ninathena
Summary: Months after returning to space, Bellamy and Echo keep each other company while sharing past stories, and maybe realize they share a few painful similarities.





	The Wounds This World Left On My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize that this is neither domestic nor fluffy. But here it is anyway.

Bellamy can hear her before she even says anything. Her steps, as light as they are, are more than noticeable on the metal floor. He wonders if that’s for his benefit, considering stealthiness seems pretty damn important for a spy.

“Almost doesn’t seem like the same place.”

He doesn’t look at her, only nodding in response as he continues to stare out the window at what’s left of Earth. Their home for all of one year.

She comes into his peripheral, standing across from him at the opposite side of the window. Her arms are crossed, looking down at the planet with a sadness that surprises him, reminding him that while he and the other Arkers may have made Earth their home for a short while, for Echo and Emori, it had always been.

“We’ll get back there someday.” He tries to sound hopeful, and he is in a way, knows that between them all they will find their way back, but some moments, such as now, the futility of it all is overwhelming.

“I know,” she says, sounding certain of it, just... homesick. He understands the feeling, though his isn’t so much directed at Earth itself but the people on it. Monty, Harper, Raven, and Murphy are his people, but not all, and the worry and ache he feels for his sister is sometimes all he can think about if he doesn’t catch his morose thoughts in time.

“She’ll be okay.”

Bellamy turns to her in surprise, uncomfortable at how easily she reads him.

“She’s strong.”

He’s not sure how he feels at that coming from the woman who stabbed her, but he’s desperate for some positivity right now, so he takes it.

They’re quiet for a moment, the silence between them not unpleasant. They all need to start becoming at ease around each other if they’re going to live on a tiny metal ring together for 5 years.

“Was it difficult for her?” Echo asks with genuine curiosity.

Bellamy shakes his head, brow furrowed with confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Growing up here.” She looks over her shoulder at the cold and empty room behind them. “She seems like the type of person who needs space.”

He chuckles, head bowed thinking about how, except for their very short time on the ground, space was one thing that had always been denied Octavia. Even now, trapped again under the floor. It’s all she’s truly ever wanted, room to grow and become her own person, but part of him fears that perhaps it hadn’t happened soon enough.

Echo still watches him, waiting for an answer, and he realizes she doesn’t know, has never been told how Octavia had been raised on the Ark.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, it was difficult for her.”

She nods, her speculation confirmed. But she doesn’t even know the half of it. He debates whether or not he wants to tell her, whether or not he wants to share that part of himself with her.

He studies her from the corner of his eye, back straight and shoulders high, like all she knew was how to stand with confidence, _be_  confident. But her expression belies her stance, fear and apprehension written all over it.

“There was a law while we were living up here.” He bites his bottom lip turning back to the planet that holds his sister captive. “We didn’t have enough of... well anything really, but oxygen was always what you heard most about, so population was strictly controlled.”

She tilts her head, either in curiosity or confusion. “One child per family,” he explains.

She blinks in understanding before he sees it fall on her just what that meant in terms of he and Octavia. Her eyes meet his quickly, pieces falling into place for her.

“My mother and I kept her secret, kept her hidden.”

“Where?” she asks with awe.

Bellamy nods at her feet. “Under the floor.”

She stares at the floor in shock before taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly. Her fingers hold tight to her elbow as she looks down at the planet. She shakes her head, almost unnoticeably, but he can see the raw emotion in it nonetheless. While he knows Echo holds no hate for Octavia, there’s certainly no love lost between them, so the intensity of her reaction seems a little much.

“My mother did the best she could,” he says, worried that perhaps that’s where Echo’s train of thought is leading her. “I know you probably think she could’ve done better- or something different-“

“No,” she interrupts. “Your mother must’ve been strong, protecting her child.” Then it’s as if she’s no longer seeing him, like she’s no longer with him. “Choosing it over her own people. A choice like that takes strength.”

He frowns, waiting patiently for her to come back from whatever memory she’s lost to. When she does, he sees the shine in her eyes as she holds back tears, and he’s taken aback by it.

In all his time with her, from being held captive in a tiny cage to finally giving up and choosing to take her own life, he’s never seen her cry, and while she doesn’t now either, this is certainly the closest he’s ever witnessed.

“Hey,” he says softly, because he can tell she’s on the verge of leaving as she eyes the doorway. Not that he’d stop her, but he’s honestly curious what would cause such a strong reaction in one of the most stoic and pragmatic people he’s ever met.

She licks her lips, turning away from him and the window, stepping toward the table. She doesn’t sit, only dropping one of her arms, finger tracing mindlessly along the edge. He wants to follow her over, but is truly worried he’ll scare her away if he gets too close.

“Life is nothing without purpose,” she begins. “And for Ice Nation, that purpose _is_  Azgeda. My people gave me purpose.” She catches his eye, acknowledging his presence and giving him enough confidence to come closer. “I know you understand that.”

“Course.”

“But Queen Nia, she gave me more. Life is difficult in Azgeda. It’s not like Polis. Many starve, more are executed, freezing is common. But Queen Nia spared me a life of fighting for scraps, to serve her.”

She swallows hard. “And I was good at it. I was _always_ loyal. No matter how much it hurt. But as a girl I was naive. I didn’t have a mother, didn’t have a family. I had a Queen, and a clan. But it wasn’t always enough.” She chuckles under her breath. “Not that I told anyone that.”

Finally, she sits on the edge of the table, Bellamy watching her become more comfortable as she speaks.

“You were lonely,” he thinks aloud, trying not think _too_  hard about how familiar this part of her story feels.

“Yes. And it wasn’t soon after that I realized I was with child.”

While he had an idea it was coming, he still can’t help the surprise he feels at it, along with the dread of what’s surely on its way.

“I was so afraid,” she whispers, almost as if she’s marveling at herself feeling such an emotion. “I knew it was unacceptable. I belonged to the queen, and I’d had no right to make such a decision. Even if it was an accident.”

Bellamy cocks his head, jaw clenching and teeth grinding almost painfully as he crosses his arms.

“I went about life as normal, hoping I’d lose it during training. But it was strong, and I started noticing changes in my body, enough to recognize it for what it was.”

She stays quiet after that, either unwilling or unable to continue. Bellamy decides to risk it, coming up and leaning on the table edge beside her, arms brushing against each other as they sit in silence.

“Something had changed,” she finally says.

“What?”

Echo frowns. “I don’t know. I think... I began dreaming of a life where I wasn’t alone. I didn’t train as often, shied away from blows, no longer volunteered for missions. Everyone noticed. Queen Nia noticed. And I was punished for my cowardice.”

“Cowardice?” he huffs in irritation. When their eyes meet he presses his lips together hard to keep from saying more.

“Eventually, it became obvious what I’d been trying to hide, and again, I was punished.”

“How?”

“Chained under the palace floor.”

He releases a breath. “How long?”

She only shrugs. “Long enough to begin contemplating how I could assassinate Queen Nia.” Bellamy lifts his brows in shock at that. “It was stupid. Simply a product of being scared and hungry for too long. All the plans dissolved the moment I set eyes on her again.”

“I thought she was coming to announce my execution, but instead, she told me how special I was. How my people needed me but that I was selfish. She told me to choose.”

Bellamy sees a tear slide down her cheek. He has an urge to place a hand on her back, but thinks better of it.

“I felt so guilty. She had chosen me, given me everything. And look what I had done. Threw it all back in her face. I didn’t deserve another chance, but she’d given me one regardless. So I chose her.”

His body slumps, suddenly exhausted, and he isn’t even the one telling this story.

“I told myself I didn’t regret it. And I didn’t. Except at night, when there’s no one left to fight, and no work to be done. Then I think about the first real choice I’d ever made for myself, and how I was too afraid to ever choose anything for myself ever again.”

“Then Roan banished me and I lost my purpose.” She smiles at him, sad but with a mix of humor. “Then all of our fun began.”

He chuckles, nodding his head. “Right.”

They remain quiet, Bellamy at first unsure how to break the now heavy silence.

“Don’t do that again, yeah?”

She lifts her head, confused. “Do what?”

“Ever think that you belong _to_ anyone. You’re here _with_  us. And I know it’s still... new. I know there’s a lot of history, almost all of it bad, but you’re here with us because you _chose_ to be.”

Her smile grows, and he returns it with one of his own before pushing off the table and giving her shoulder a light squeeze. He’s almost out the door until she calls out his name making him turn back. He waits for her to say her peace but she seems at a loss for words.

He gives a nod. “See you in the morning, Echo.”


End file.
